bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
