"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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