Umm I'm too high to move.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
