Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
