I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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