My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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