he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
