Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
