By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
