I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
