Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Text me some of your sweat
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
