Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
