I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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