6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
