I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
