dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Also, beer. Big fan.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
