I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
