i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
