I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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