he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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