maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
