Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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