just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
