I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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