the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
