It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
