I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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