just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
