You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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