My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
