Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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