Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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