I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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