i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
