She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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