FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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