He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
