So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
