A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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