I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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