I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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