First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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