So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
