your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
