This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
