Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
