Where is the hickey?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
