I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
