She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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