some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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